nothing is sharper than the break between ignorance and bliss consciousness and i miss you

i don't want to sleep anymore

i'm tired of meeting those faces

let to roam on parole throughout my dreams

and how they crowd close 

pressing up against my skin so tight

i cannot cover my ears

while they whisper whisper whisper

scream!

all at once now 

and they tell me you're so strong

you'll be the one to make it sure

you can carry carry carry one more

and they press so close to me

wrap their warmth around me

pour their breath into my hair 

and drop kisses on my cheek like rain

saying we, we, we love you...

we won't we won't we....leave you

oh, don't let me fall asleep

i'm tired so tired of these dreams

these voices that i know

and this waking up alone

on the dawn of the third day. look to the east.

she looks at me and says

-it seems like you've been down

forever-

cuts me to the heart 

with that bleak photograph

superimposed over my mirror

i want to just surrender

throw in that limp rag i've been waving

and collapse

i've been trying so long

to make sure i'd never hear you say

you're done. sit down.

yet another failure to mark down

but i've got just enough grit left in these veins

enough cement in these bones to say

maybe tomorrow

maybe tomorrow i'll be okay.

at night

sometimes i open that perfume bottle

just a little

and pretend i can see the scent

rising into the air

practice feeling the way it does

as it coils through this transparent space

and when it hits me

i see in shades of red

where it has spilt down the currents

twisted in upon itself in a small mushroom cloud

and then scatters

leaving nothing but a faint memory

that catches at the corner of your mind

like a name you've forgotten

but sounds like a sigh

in the back of your tongue

sometimes i open that bottle

the one that smells like you

pretend that its you wrapped around me

in the spray

and i blame my tears on the sting of the alcohol

Euphemisms.

do you know what it is like to take a shovel

a good sharp shovel with a shining edge

and thrust it into the ground?

there's that soft resistance and then a faint

pop

as the hardened earth gives way 

and it slides down and under

with the warm scent rising into the air 

sweet and heavy to cling to you

and then you push a little harder and flex

throw the dirt and how it spreads throughout the air

scattering and falling looking almost liquid

till it sprinkles across you and you laugh

wiping the smudges down your arms

and feeling like for once the world is alright....

have you ever felt that way- she asked

running her hand absently over her ridged wrist

like the world is alright?

Breakfast with me?

do you know those mean reds

those days you wake up and the light

breaks on you like the cold waves

from the salt sea the day you realized 

you could not outswim the tide

and its going to take take take you away

those are the days i climb into the tower

the one that stands like a prison to

lock yourself away in your hungry solitude

let the dragon loose and hear him roar

and you wonder why i look at you like that

like something broken 

the mean reds have me and i'm so afraid

i don't know

but that they won't let go. 

Flat screen.

you don't get it

why i'm searching through these old books 

what draws me to these two dimensional faces

facing me from their flat screens 

trying to say something with their clumsy words

and all they get is the laugh track

you still don't know

why i'm playing with this chemistry

changing the lengths of these curves

shifting the pitch of these sounds

looking through these stock characters

for something with a bit of bitter

a touch of tension

i'm just looking for a bang

to go out with

ID Please.

i wonder when you will realize

what these words mean

all these thousand times i've told you

who i am.

and the canon begins again

row row..

go away...

and we'll all stand 

in our perfect little rows

line upon line of wasted time

and you'll row row your

far away

and we these shattered segments

of the second hand that spins

in your circular life will stand

and you will row row row your boat

leave us standing in this stream

while you merrily merrily

so easily leave

i used to believe 

that life was but a dream

the plan

walk by me

tuck your arm in tight

around these shoulders

and i'll carry you

we'll make it through this rabbithole world

to something beyond it 

we'll make it through these overlarge dreams

these stretched out fears

and fall off the edge of this board

we'll climb together

hit that long white wall

and stop

thats all we've got

thats my big hope for you and i

that we'll reach a place

and get to rest our eyes

close them tight against this light

and lean our foreheads against the white expanse

let our burdens fall from our weary hands

let emptiness be all we have to fear

waiting for rainy season

stay

stay with me

with your distant arms

and the things i think

you used to say

i don't want to forget

and i'll keep breathing

blowing out into this space

building small clouds

and one day i'll climb up in them

and float away

they'll never find me 

they'll never even know

one day it will rain

you always go outside

to close your eyes and pretend

that you will wash yourself away

and i will be there

streaking down your face

to fall at your feet

i always did

i always said i'd never leave

wait for me

when the rain slides down the leaves

i'm coming home

lightning strikes twice

what good is this lone charge

in a world full of unfulfilled warrants

and really does my behaviour

warrant this charge of misdemeanor

i've been watching my face in the mirror

keeping a tight guard on my demeanor 

following the letter of the law

but i keep getting lost in the numbers

all these ups and downs

these pluses and minuses 

and they keep colliding with that crackle

that raises the hair on my arms

and i wonder what's the point of

one electron in this thunderstorm

Wake up.

throw these treasures in the pack

baby wrap me up wrap me up tight

the storm is coming in

and i'm too tired to swim

too weary to start again

all i ask is to hold me 

i'll close my eyes against the cloth

thats whipping around your form

and pretend that now i am warm

that i don't fear this storm

but my fingers tell the lie

as cold as they are and weak

they cling to you and speak

all the thousand screams of this week

and i don't have the strength

to take them back and try to stand

on my own on this sinking sand

so i'll just bend my body around your hand

and tell you no i'm not crying

no i'm not lying

i'm not dying.

Celia's World

I'm tired of looking at my face in reverse

trying to see what the mirror-me is thinking

wondering if her world makes more sense

if the door behind her leads to something

more like free less like lonely

with more of grace and less of this space

these discrepancies between you and me

mirror-me moves her mouth

speaking a language that looks like mine

it is one i do not know

so i'll move on still wondering into my weary world

but one day maybe i'll find some rabbithole

wrest open the port hole and throw

myself through it to land face to face

with that winged bowchild who stumbles muttering

i'm late. late again...and runs on

I'll stand up and shrug.

That explains a lot.

Now Playing : The Game of Love

You and I in this cinematic fairytale

and you know how it ends how it goes

You lose your heart I lose my soul

and then the credits roll

And aren't we happy aren't we sweet

the couple that made your day complete

walking by on this silver screen

to remind you what first love means

and so you'll wrap your arm around her

and whisper something in her ear

And we'll disappear and it will just be you two here

The credits roll the credits roll

and blackness falls on this my favorite role

looking at you like the sun in my eyes

and having you reach for me without surprise

saying the lines again and again

knowing you don't know the end

so i'll wait until the seats are empty and the film is down

to slide under your door a letter

lets do this again

after all...

sequels pay better.

For KH and NF

you in white with your soft curls

resting easy under that little slip of cloth

that coils around those blooms and drops

so gently over your face

like the last protection of spring

to her most precious child

you sit upon my heart like an Other

someone who will melt into the air

like you had never been

(that five year old who fell for the same

golden puppy as me and decided we could share

the dog and our hearts)

and after the perfect spell

the three voices in one and the golden rings

of trust hope and love

you will reappear someone new

with your foreign name and almost-familiar smile

(though i never saw it with this new glow

that draws the whole world into it)

and you will leave with a strange heart

beating for you with its constant rhythm

for the long duration of these days

and in some way be gone forever

except that you look over your shoulder

and i know

that best friends always means forever.

Congratulations beautiful one!

Strangers on the corner of Rou Deja and View Street

I saw three men walking

with their lumps of skin shoved up close to one another

like memories do on holidays

and it has come to this

that the skin and bone and muscle all

crowd together in anxious groups

each small swelling clinging with flat edges to the other

it looked the most fragile thing I've ever seen

as if they but for the glass would fall

and scatter like a thousand water droplets

and be lost

but they in their lumps of muscle bone skin and all

were long armed and tall and moving

with flat eyes that could see beyond itself

and so kept on with its lumps of being

still cold

i saw three men walking

and I turned another way

they put fear in my heart and i care not where they go

except that one looked like you

in your day of fear and strength

and i wanted to wrap all my soft skin around you

and make you human again

What art may do.

today i stood staring

into a silver star

it was all shining metal with

lumps of screws along its seams

and there were maybe a hundred sharp arms

that came thrusting towards me

i was almost afraid

but each tip was snapped off

leaving triangular gashes in its cold skin

and so i leaned in

and then out again quickly

there was a face twisted in the shining silver

i thought it was mine but no

it was darker and larger

with a mouth turned round where mine won't go

so i looked in again wondering

and there was a man swallowed in the star

standing in the silver center

laughing

the noise came out reverberated

through every shattered tip of the shining star

and still he laughed

he had broached fate's sharp center

and it was empty but for him

Good morning

sometimes i wonder how you dream

if you dream at all

i see scrolling 

behind your smoothly closed eyes

line after line of clearly defined

phrases (not like music

with its crescendoes and woven thoughts

that tangle around each other

like wildflowers until you are overcome

and submerge yourself in the liquid colour

pouring through your ears into

your sweet tasting mouth)

up and up these crisp sharp commands

like a to do list with small boxes

(like the box you place me in

with its appropriate corners

and its inflexible walls to hold up that glass ceiling

the one i keep banging my wings on)

for you to check through

with your pen that you use like a sword

its sharp edge that punctures these

my faerie tales

and then you awake and continue on

as if you never slept

but only plugged yourself into a wall

and decided to move when charged

i wonder sometimes if you dream

at all of me

Modern Medicine

the dark smudges of chocolate

are filling in my fingerprints

and suddenly i am adrift

without an identity to hold me down

i am one of the thousands

taking this solution

to the bitterness of life

because as long as i can coat

this raw throat with this sticky sweet

i won't have the time to scream

won't need the strength to say

i'm done.

so instead i'll swallow another square

and pretend that all i need is there

i and the thousand other girls

taking cocoa like codeine 

brother gone.

i wonder what it is about those old photographs

maybe the fact that they were so still

so silent waiting for the flash

that still smelt of sulfur

and of something slightly more potent

than should invade this sensible sphere

the way they stare

we still don't dare yet 

to thrust our whole face straight into the lens

but there they sit stiff spined

with the story plain on their faces

and they scare me

their eyes shove up against my mind

probing searching to see

if i have something that makes that stillness

worth surviving

if i can stand staring into the future

unafraid

that is how i see you in my mind

stuck in sepia

Fallout

these calcium sticks of mine

rattle against each other

within my warm series of cords

that tie them together in wet red

and i don't know how to explain it

how to get these vibrations to coordinate

when they're all running screaming

a dense crowd of chaos pushing against each other

rubbing each other raw and weak

and soon i will stumble

silent shaking shattered

with the small flecks of white

standing like stars against the red sky

across the room i think that...

i love watching you laugh

the way that the corners of your mouth stretch

slow like a pink balloon 

invading your smooth cheeks

and sending them swelling as if 

they are filled with something important

some mountain mine of jewels

and then your lips press together

and snap open

like a rubber band 

and suddenly its your whole head thrown back

all your small white teeth

like opals shine 

and your eyes blaze and vanish

beneath your rose brushed skin

i like to watch you laughing

so hard no words come out

For Megan, and the Sun who made everyone smile.

whisper to me

lets get out of this town tonight

i've got enough space in my dreams for two

close your eyes and we'll run up the stairs

feel as they grow slender and smooth

and then we're away

we'll wet our feet on the straggling clouds

laugh as they splash about us

leave them as they fall to the ground

go on chasing something new

when we get tired that's alright

we'll drop down to this foreign ground

and claim it for you and me

build a house with the corners of our bodies

we'll never have to leave

lets get out of this town

its not like we call it home

Success is counted Sweetest.

i wake up grey around the edges

wondering if i had slept

at all

and the people are so loud

all around me 

i will find a soft place

and practice breathing again

in a shelter that gives way around me

till i am strong again

until the dawn calls me again

then i will follow the siren call

until then

i sleep.

Officer Depression

so go on ahead and write me up

(in adjectives and verbs with a touch of passion)

and give me a ticket

(only tell me where you are taking me)

'cause you are the man in blue

(and i've been down for days)

i don't mind if you lay down the law

(just don't expect me to pick it up)

Just don't give me that look

(they all give it to me too)

you think i'm around the bend

(I was just turning the corner)

and I can't help but smile at you sir

its been so long since i talked to anyone

sometimes the world gets lonely

lament of mar

  you don't understand

i'm still a foreigner here

a mermaid on land may live but she's the stranger

to this stumbling gait

to the wear of grit on her feet

and each step is just a little bit harder

than you would think

because the gravity grief

tugs at every corner of me

and makes each smile that much heavier

because i need to pull it up from the corners of my mouth

like strands of seaweed that used to catch

on my tail and make the ripples green

and there i knew how to move

could find my way

easily and confident

as surely as you do on these streets

with your head up high and never looking

behind though i am falling further

flailing about looking for something to hold on

failing at all that i tried

till i slide at last to this soil

that sticks to me and drags me down

i always thought the sea would cry on my bones

but it seems only the raindrops

expatriates as well

dare to grieve over me

Defiance at Dawn

and i've never known what was good for me

thats what they will say

shaking their heads with their shadows slow behind them

i never knew, never knew

i always fell for ...

well thats nothing new

anyone would

its like realizing that by changing the shape

of your sticky red lips

suddenly that desperate breathing

becomes song and something of life

and (they knew it all along)

who wouldn't want a love like that

where all the pieces were left about

and put in place and marveled at

and how you treasured that painting

the way it looked against your wall

till you left the window open and the salty wind 

came in and made sport spinning it up and around

and suddenly you saw what was there to see

oh i know you don't listen to me

thats why i write these things down

because one day i'll be right

don't worry it won't last 

i know that they will always win

with their monotone of 'i told you so'

but i'm going to hit this chord one day

and you will understand for a moment or too

       why i did it anyway

i never knew what was good for me

was always bad at the pros and cons

thats why i traded my home for the sea

and my heart for a song

you took them both

and walked away.

one day i'll come back. and claim the key

love was never good to me.

Construction Bystander.

have you ever seen them 

deconstruct a house?

first they take out the soft things

the sofas and beds

the carpet and curtains

then they strip it of colour

peel off the paper

blast the paint away

Boarding up the windows is next

when they batter pine against the walls

in criss-cross patterns

and then they let the second floor settle

in a cloud of dust into the first

all at the touch of the detonate

and then we walk away

i watched your face 

the lips go hard

the cheeks pale

eyes close

and then collapse

when you heard the news

i hated him for walking away.