practice makes perfect

she was the one that noticed

the day i went around with silent lips

pressed so tight

and slow movements

that would burst with a quick gasp

and then clamp back down

i never got to blue.

he was the one that noticed

the series of clean plates

that disappeared neat as could be

down the conveyor 

because nothing had touched them

but my fingertips as i wandered from entrance to exit

i am still not hungry.

she was the one who began to wonder

he was the one who began to worry

but neither of them knew

how long i've been dying to try it

trying to die

quick fix

i woke up hungry today

wrapped up in my sheets in the dark

with my cold fingertips against the window

and the night still clinging to the frame

i waited for the need to pass

taking deep breaths counting the sighs

to trick me back into sleep

but the silence left my mind

with too much to draw out and throw

against the shadows like a backdrop

until the day began and i stumbled down the stairs

quick to fix what of the broken world i could

if only food fed the soul

build for me.

build me something brick

and spread the mortar thick

between each solid cell

like generous amounts of honey

that falls over into a child lap

and sticks the world to his fingers

i too want the world to stick

to stay trapped

like a butterfly against this glass

till it too stops struggling

and beating me against me

and at last lies still

so that i can appreciate its beauty

its hungry dying beauty

in my own peace

in my own small pieces

and i will pace

up and down and down and down

into the dark behind my battalion of brick

and be safe and still and silent

and then one last thing

do this for me

make me a stone roof

solid stone as strong as can be

to stop the rain and sun and time

from getting in at me

and that will be all

put the date to mark the time 

and then be off

but if you like lay flowers

and cry a tear or two. 

how to survive.

they are the gathering

these small faces that make up the whole

and in looking through this dense mass

i do not know a single one

of these characters of my childhood

packed together to keep the darkness out

to send it away by the sheer strength of heat

the heat that roils around the ankles

and slides down their spines

leaving them to shiver and push closer

because it reminds them of fear

and all these beating hearts thrust

rib to rib to spine against all comers

overwhelm everything but the heat

the two exist to feed each other

a deafening cycle encircling the crowd

engorging themselves one on the other

with the double tempo sending friction

vibrating through the small pockets of air

that survive through these layers of skin

and the quivering waves of temperature 

test the strain sending stress like a weight

through the bloodstream 

and everything speeds up again

as they wander in tighter and tighter circles

each face carefully turned away from the circumference

in case the shadows are coming

because safety is in numbers

and bliss in ignorance

they keep spinning in their delirium

and i am dizzy on my own

afraid of the fear feeding from this frenzy.

poet's lament.

i met her walking down a river

i was walking up and down

waiting for something to come

i'd long learned that the wide spaces 

were not for me with their long horizons

that i need a direction pointing me

towards something faraway

and grand

the first is vital and the second

needed to excuse these night time wanderings

and as for why i am here at noon

i don't know but this

i met her walking down the river

blue slips of feet and long arms

with the fabric flowing down her form

like it loved to do it

all she had was a flower

as longstemmed as she

and it dropped from the slender fingers

into the eddying water

and swept its way to shore

i found it in my fingertips

still wet and strong stemmed

changing the water droplets clinging to it

to its brutally brilliant tint

and when i looked up

she was gone

i give you this rose

it is all i have left to give

i met her walking down the river

i need her to live.

bless me. for i have sinned.

this is my last confession

i don't expect you to vindicate me

to abjure or avenge me

frankly i don't even expect you to care

but this is my final claim

and so i will take this time

as your last gift to me

the last attempt at settling debts

i will hold these moments as collateral

and count you complete

sit and let me tell you of my sins

my stains on my soul

and the places i abandoned being whole

for being who 

you wanted me to be

and i will stand alone 

on this side of the screen

you father confessor don't have to see

the burden of guilt settle at your feet

i don't love you enough to leave you with that

or maybe too much to dare

and so dear 

before i go

let me tell you this

in one blow

my crucifixion and my saving grace

i love you

with all that i am

shhh.

of all the secrets i swore i keep

the ones i lose are my own

slipping through my fingertips

over my tongue and through my lips

like children running for base

and now  they are out they are safe

in the airwaves that no one listens to

anyway

the curtain raises. and falls.

Your stenographic salutations

reminds me of something

of the thousands of plays

in which he enters (stage right) and says

- Hello.

and that is all. 

somehow that is all i see

behind your smile

the polite stage instruction

added as an appendix to the greeting

(pleasantly)

and so i nod and reply

-Hello

as every stock character should

and how do you do

what you do as you converse

while moving in slight diagonals away

from me and my face that faces

our unseen audience

this is just a thought to say

that when i exit (stage left)

the doors will keep on slamming

all the way to the street(and the critics will say

what a delightful piece of passion

the chemistry is charming between the two)

i'll let you improvise goodbye

because i won't give you your cue

farewell

love song to a mad girl.

i look at you

standing there in your thin gauze

that the past bestows

and how you dragged your dictionary into darkness

and sent telegraphs back

like brief pen-and-ink

with only enough definition

to draw a blueprint for the prison

that our imagination later builds

and how it towers

i see you watching the world

from the gates of abandoned hope

and i wonder how still in the midst of this

you have created this bitter beauty

that stuns and numbs my tongue

and then like fire reawakes my brain 

shooting splinters of shock till i must fight

or run from this whole world 

that i see by your side

thank you for seeing.

i wish i could have saved you.

Tina, she fell for her dentist....

what i want to know is when

did falling in love 

become dentistry

when did we begin to

practice

to push and shove at those small dreams

until they -pop- fell out

with a small rush of blood

and oh our first heartbreak

give me a silver quarter and i'll be fine

plug it up with a popsong

and i'm on my way again

on my way to try out my baby teeth

on these big big dreams

twenty times later we begin to understand

that there's a whole new smile out there

so we brace it up with petnames

and inside jokes (tongue in cheek of course)

take these romance novels these dramas

these perfect lines 

and i've been waiting for years

they say that hope leaves the worst cavities

when it disappears

oh it hurts to touch where it has been

bleach it break it down

baby its all about what you say

and the shine of your smile

all i want to know is 

whend did we turn love into dentistry

impetus. into. infinity.

i guess its just today

from when i woke up

with you touching my face

gently, like the hand of a child

who wants to know that the fight

didn't last, that the future survived

and i tell you everything's fine

its too early to say i love you

but you know what i mean

because you smile and look

at us now with the crowd gathering

looking up and watching

with the young men lounging

slouching against the walls

they've painted with their sharp letters

wondering about wires

and the girls are sliding looks 

through their thick lashes

that they've spread black and thick

to catch those boys like spiders

who want to believe 

that they too can grow wings

the old men don't see us at all

they're watching the smiles

of the dowager queens beside them

who nod at us and them and the world

telling them that everything is fine

it's all falling into line

and really, it was about time...

so i surrender the audience

and smile at you while the sky streaks

behind you like an extension of your eyes

we will keep the steps without trying

it's beneath our notice

the fact that we are flying

because you and i know this

it was about time

and everything is fine

today was the day 

that we began the rest of our lives.

safety

slide the silk here 

against this skin crossed with lines

brown in the heat of the sun

tie it high and send it looping 

graceful as the breeze that plays against it

see it hanging against the arm

how it lies across the trunk

he is so strong as he stands still

holding me in my silken swing

rocking back and forth asleep

while someone somewhere sings

rockabye baby...

you won't let me fall.

the secret is-you already have.

steal for me some of this courage

that you seem to carry with you

like sound

something commonplace

and still i spend my days afraid

i stand in places i have always stood

and when i walk i don't look up

from this sidewalk that i know

through the soles of my shoes

while i hold my name like a secret

taste on the tip of my tongue all day

and it never sounds sweeter

than when you sing it out

across the crowds like the whole world should know

who i am and that i am yours

for my birthday you gave me a set of wings

and told me next windy day

we will fly

thank you.

after you the deluge.

she looks at the clocks

its hands spinning and spinning

and wonders

who she's waving good bye to

again and again

a slow steady rhythm

of farewell 

baby when i'm sitting here

watching time erase itself

motion by motion around she goes

hello goodbye goodbye

sliding around to begin again

i wonder about when 

it rains and how it makes me think

of you and how you would wait

by the window for the storm to break

like an exclamation across the sky

with the lightening against your face

making you fearsome pressed against the glass

straining with all the hungry strength

of the crackling air and your laugh

like a childs first moment knowing

that face in the mirror is him

and you stand stretched towards the storm

i remember then what storms told me

that i could never keep you

you strong and hungry as you are

and at times so very far from me

lost in the roar of the thunder 

and the way the water beats against the thirsty ground

shaping it to its will

with you and i

you made me soft and silent

losing that hard shape like a sound in a song

you soaked through my skin

strong and so sure of your strength

and then in the sun stole away

leaving me parched and cracked

waiting for rain

watching the clock

waiting for rain

what is a woman

without her man

play date.

if these words play together

will they stay together

clinging together in static equilibrium

where you equal me

on this see saw

and i see what you saw

the way the sun slid down the slide

catching your golden eye

and sending you away

this is all i have to say

if these words play together

will they stay together

i know that its time.

heart of mine heart

you are the secret center

of who i pretend to be

you are the safe city

that who i am bends 

to begin a pilgrimage towards

i am young and careless

a quiet thing

who knows the weight of words

and a child's mouth trapped

beneath the weight of these eyes

that see more than you realize

its strange how small my small pink lips

look when they are still

when they are not stretching themselves

wider than they may go

in a smile that tells you i am safte

flattened to that shape

by the great weight of these eyes

that see that this is what you need

you need to know that i am safe

that my small comforts are enough for me

that the old loves have built me a bridge

from that island kingdom you gave me

and have drawn me back to the real world

that's what you need to know

and what you need to forget

is that you never taught me how to swim

when you swept me away on that great wave

of all that was beautiful and true and forever

in the world the whole wide world

and i left it behind without a thought

because i was where you were

and now still i am where you were

and the tension is in these tenses

but when you turn your telescope on me

you want to see that i've escaped

that i made myself safe

that i am okay

but its better when you're with me darling

and oh its cold its cold this december

because i thought this is where we were starting

and this is where i began the art of remembering

with honor to megan for the final inspiration.

let the second(place)s pass.

i have the courage to face the clock

to watch it face to face

its spinning arms sweeping me away

and stand still yet

waiting for what they call my cousin

the cuckoo bird to call

the mockingbirds surround me singing

as i watch the turtledoves pair off and fly away

but still i will stand

waiting waiting for the bell to strike

and the song that i've been singing 

to find its harmony

i and this clock

tick tock tick tock

waiting on love

faith from galilee

i swear 

hereby

to never surrender

i will go down on this ship

that's sailing for the horizon

and i will believe 

that you were there for me

because i couldn't see you 

doesn't mean a thing

i am the stronger the stranger

standing here amidst the waves

standing above the sea

and walking nonetheless

the lion

three things i will always remember

four things i cannot forget

the way you made me be beautiful

the wind blowing against you and never touching me

the stillness of my fear against your face

and the strength in your hand when you let me go

Its saturday night...

Hey baby tonight-

lets be beautiful

close your eyes and meet me at the door

i'm tired of this waiting 

and i don't know what i'm here for

so tonight lets be beautiful

i'll look at you and you'll look at me

and we'll look at the world

through our thick eyelashes

and sparkling smiles

it will be alright

so grab those shoes

the ones that make you hold your head high

and i'll add a little jewel to my ear

make it hang heavy and hear

what the world has to say

we'll make this night one to remember

take your best dress and i'll take mine

because when it comes down to dawn

all we have is time

so tonight

lets be beautiful

Resignation.

dear gravity

I would like to thank you sincerely

for services rendered and accounts balanced

but my contract is running due

and i regret to inform you

that this is my two weeks notice.

I'm moving on

to bigger and brighter things.

I'm off and away

giving up on the grip you have on me

I've decided its finally my turn to be set free.

so Gravity, this is your two weeks notice

and then I'm gone.

PS I plan to fall in love. I'll let you know how it goes.

wrote a song for everyone.

here is what i have left

this is what i dare

in the face of these eternal miles

in defiance of steady time

i will take this voice

and throw it wide

carrying in words

the thoughts you've been holding

softly in your heart

and these words are mine

the dreams are yours

and this truth is ours

i said forever

and i will not let go

i miss you

but i loved you first

that will stay.

strangers on a stairwell.

her braid fell thick and black

down and down and down

looking like another spine 

swinging slightly on the grey of her coat

and i wonder if its holding her up

if somedays she lets it loose

and like a black shower

falls to liquid pieces

all across the expanse of her bed

and if she lies there and cries

gets heavy pieces of who she is

all over her scratchy grey coat

with nothing between her and gravity

but those thousand strands

that she after a time gathers

in her roughened palms and painted nails

and weaves back together

into a semblance of strength

because thats what a spine is for

isn't it?

oh i forgot.

you wouldn't know.

sigh.

i wish you cared enough

for me to be able to hurt you

of course if you did

then i wouldn't dream of it

how does it feel to be invincible?

the broken piece.

you'll be holding the sign

that stupid construction paper

with sharpie ink dyed through

and all over your fingers

and glitter so thick

you can hardly see the letters

and i won't see it anyway 

not through this fog of transtime

through the weight of all these dreams

pressing up against my eyes

but you'll be holding it

in your two hands shaking

behind that stupid silver bar

that they think will keep you back 

and your smile

that smile

i'll see that

i've seen it for years

over continents 

in the middle of the night

when i wake up crying trying

to remember who i am and where

i see it off to the side in the shadows

and it keeps me breathing till dawn

you and that smile and the sign

and thats when i'll know

that i'm home.

clue two.

a thing gone wrong.

a thousand things.

a song of things lost

of fears found.

i'll hold on to you

though you terrify me

because still you're the only thing

that saves me.

if you would.

please.

dare to decipher

where will you look for me

when i am small and still 

when i have become what i am

i see you with your panther eyes

the way they scare me when they swallow the light

and the softness of your face

against that shining smile

and you are so silent

so silent

when i run i run i run

flat footed like a child

into your arms so strong and soft

and they smell of safety

but i cannot raise my eyes

because your face is still that other

and in the midst of my tears 

you and i are still silent

so silent

one strong arm sure surrounds me

defining me in terms of you

waist up and i am yours all you

but still these legs would run

clumsy and terrified and so you lift

me up against you and i just hold

on to your slick smooth neck

where the black fur slashes away to skin

you are your own secret

holding me here

and i wonder when you became

so strong so silent

where will you look for me

will you know what i have become

when it is time for me to leave

look how the cat has caught the bird

he was so silent

before the kill

midnight crisis.

i wake up and wonder

when did i stop dreaming?

when did i stop being 

who you always said i would be

when did i stop eating 

books like they were bread

and writing like it kept me from death

when did i stop living 

and just kept on breathing?

i go back to sleep

and wake to my alarm

another day with defeat on the schedule

and despair for dinner

porcelain

i've never moved so fragilely 

and i wonder when this joint will blow

first the knee and then i'll tumble

from my feet to sprawl on the floor

and i wonder how you would grieve

as if for one of your plants

that never quite bloomed 

but was only showing hints of colour

or for a black and white photo

of a stranger you never quite knew.

Neverland

i hear you calling me in the night

and i wake up holding my phone

saying hello hello

into the static of my dial tone

and then i remember that you're gone

i roll over and go back to sleep

and in the morning she asks me

i heard you in the night

did you have a bad dream

i don't know what she means

because i don't want anything

but for that dream

to still be