Saturday, February 28, 2009

nothing is sharper than the break between ignorance and bliss consciousness and i miss you

i don't want to sleep anymore
i'm tired of meeting those faces
let to roam on parole throughout my dreams
and how they crowd close 
pressing up against my skin so tight
i cannot cover my ears
while they whisper whisper whisper
scream!
all at once now 
and they tell me you're so strong
you'll be the one to make it sure
you can carry carry carry one more
and they press so close to me
wrap their warmth around me
pour their breath into my hair 
and drop kisses on my cheek like rain
saying we, we, we love you...
we won't we won't we....leave you

oh, don't let me fall asleep
i'm tired so tired of these dreams
these voices that i know
and this waking up alone

on the dawn of the third day. look to the east.


she looks at me and says
-it seems like you've been down
forever-
cuts me to the heart 
with that bleak photograph
superimposed over my mirror
i want to just surrender
throw in that limp rag i've been waving
and collapse
i've been trying so long
to make sure i'd never hear you say
you're done. sit down.
yet another failure to mark down
but i've got just enough grit left in these veins
enough cement in these bones to say

maybe tomorrow
maybe tomorrow i'll be okay.

at night

sometimes i open that perfume bottle
just a little
and pretend i can see the scent
rising into the air
practice feeling the way it does
as it coils through this transparent space
and when it hits me
i see in shades of red
where it has spilt down the currents
twisted in upon itself in a small mushroom cloud
and then scatters
leaving nothing but a faint memory
that catches at the corner of your mind
like a name you've forgotten
but sounds like a sigh
in the back of your tongue

sometimes i open that bottle
the one that smells like you
pretend that its you wrapped around me
in the spray
and i blame my tears on the sting of the alcohol

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Euphemisms.

do you know what it is like to take a shovel
a good sharp shovel with a shining edge
and thrust it into the ground?
there's that soft resistance and then a faint
pop
as the hardened earth gives way 
and it slides down and under
with the warm scent rising into the air 
sweet and heavy to cling to you
and then you push a little harder and flex
throw the dirt and how it spreads throughout the air
scattering and falling looking almost liquid
till it sprinkles across you and you laugh
wiping the smudges down your arms
and feeling like for once the world is alright....

have you ever felt that way- she asked
running her hand absently over her ridged wrist
like the world is alright?

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Breakfast with me?

do you know those mean reds
those days you wake up and the light
breaks on you like the cold waves
from the salt sea the day you realized 
you could not outswim the tide
and its going to take take take you away
those are the days i climb into the tower
the one that stands like a prison to
lock yourself away in your hungry solitude
let the dragon loose and hear him roar
and you wonder why i look at you like that
like something broken 
the mean reds have me and i'm so afraid

i don't know
but that they won't let go. 

Flat screen.

you don't get it
why i'm searching through these old books 
what draws me to these two dimensional faces
facing me from their flat screens 
trying to say something with their clumsy words
and all they get is the laugh track
you still don't know
why i'm playing with this chemistry
changing the lengths of these curves
shifting the pitch of these sounds
looking through these stock characters
for something with a bit of bitter
a touch of tension

i'm just looking for a bang
to go out with

Monday, February 23, 2009

ID Please.

i wonder when you will realize
what these words mean

all these thousand times i've told you

who i am.

and the canon begins again

row row..
go away...
and we'll all stand 
in our perfect little rows
line upon line of wasted time
and you'll row row your
far away
and we these shattered segments
of the second hand that spins
in your circular life will stand
and you will row row row your boat
leave us standing in this stream
while you merrily merrily
so easily leave

i used to believe 
that life was but a dream

Sunday, February 22, 2009

the plan

walk by me
tuck your arm in tight
around these shoulders
and i'll carry you
we'll make it through this rabbithole world
to something beyond it 
we'll make it through these overlarge dreams
these stretched out fears
and fall off the edge of this board
we'll climb together
hit that long white wall
and stop
thats all we've got
thats my big hope for you and i
that we'll reach a place
and get to rest our eyes

close them tight against this light
and lean our foreheads against the white expanse
let our burdens fall from our weary hands
let emptiness be all we have to fear

waiting for rainy season

stay
stay with me
with your distant arms
and the things i think
you used to say
i don't want to forget

and i'll keep breathing
blowing out into this space
building small clouds
and one day i'll climb up in them
and float away
they'll never find me 
they'll never even know

one day it will rain
you always go outside
to close your eyes and pretend
that you will wash yourself away
and i will be there
streaking down your face
to fall at your feet

i always did
i always said i'd never leave

wait for me
when the rain slides down the leaves
i'm coming home

lightning strikes twice

what good is this lone charge
in a world full of unfulfilled warrants
and really does my behaviour
warrant this charge of misdemeanor
i've been watching my face in the mirror
keeping a tight guard on my demeanor 
following the letter of the law
but i keep getting lost in the numbers
all these ups and downs
these pluses and minuses 
and they keep colliding with that crackle
that raises the hair on my arms

and i wonder what's the point of
one electron in this thunderstorm

Friday, February 20, 2009

Wake up.

throw these treasures in the pack
baby wrap me up wrap me up tight
the storm is coming in
and i'm too tired to swim
too weary to start again
all i ask is to hold me 
i'll close my eyes against the cloth
thats whipping around your form
and pretend that now i am warm
that i don't fear this storm
but my fingers tell the lie
as cold as they are and weak
they cling to you and speak
all the thousand screams of this week
and i don't have the strength
to take them back and try to stand
on my own on this sinking sand
so i'll just bend my body around your hand
and tell you no i'm not crying
no i'm not lying

i'm not dying.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Celia's World

I'm tired of looking at my face in reverse
trying to see what the mirror-me is thinking
wondering if her world makes more sense
if the door behind her leads to something
more like free less like lonely
with more of grace and less of this space
these discrepancies between you and me
mirror-me moves her mouth
speaking a language that looks like mine
it is one i do not know
so i'll move on still wondering into my weary world

but one day maybe i'll find some rabbithole
wrest open the port hole and throw
myself through it to land face to face
with that winged bowchild who stumbles muttering
i'm late. late again...and runs on

I'll stand up and shrug.

That explains a lot.

Now Playing : The Game of Love

You and I in this cinematic fairytale
and you know how it ends how it goes

You lose your heart I lose my soul
and then the credits roll

And aren't we happy aren't we sweet
the couple that made your day complete
walking by on this silver screen
to remind you what first love means
and so you'll wrap your arm around her
and whisper something in her ear
And we'll disappear and it will just be you two here

The credits roll the credits roll
and blackness falls on this my favorite role
looking at you like the sun in my eyes
and having you reach for me without surprise
saying the lines again and again
knowing you don't know the end
so i'll wait until the seats are empty and the film is down
to slide under your door a letter
lets do this again
after all...
sequels pay better.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

For KH and NF

you in white with your soft curls
resting easy under that little slip of cloth
that coils around those blooms and drops
so gently over your face
like the last protection of spring
to her most precious child
you sit upon my heart like an Other
someone who will melt into the air
like you had never been
(that five year old who fell for the same
golden puppy as me and decided we could share
the dog and our hearts)
and after the perfect spell
the three voices in one and the golden rings
of trust hope and love
you will reappear someone new
with your foreign name and almost-familiar smile
(though i never saw it with this new glow
that draws the whole world into it)
and you will leave with a strange heart
beating for you with its constant rhythm
for the long duration of these days
and in some way be gone forever

except that you look over your shoulder
and i know
that best friends always means forever.

Congratulations beautiful one!

Strangers on the corner of Rou Deja and View Street

I saw three men walking
with their lumps of skin shoved up close to one another
like memories do on holidays
and it has come to this
that the skin and bone and muscle all
crowd together in anxious groups
each small swelling clinging with flat edges to the other
it looked the most fragile thing I've ever seen
as if they but for the glass would fall
and scatter like a thousand water droplets
and be lost
but they in their lumps of muscle bone skin and all
were long armed and tall and moving
with flat eyes that could see beyond itself
and so kept on with its lumps of being
still cold
i saw three men walking
and I turned another way
they put fear in my heart and i care not where they go

except that one looked like you
in your day of fear and strength
and i wanted to wrap all my soft skin around you
and make you human again


What art may do.

today i stood staring
into a silver star
it was all shining metal with
lumps of screws along its seams
and there were maybe a hundred sharp arms
that came thrusting towards me
i was almost afraid
but each tip was snapped off
leaving triangular gashes in its cold skin
and so i leaned in
and then out again quickly
there was a face twisted in the shining silver
i thought it was mine but no
it was darker and larger
with a mouth turned round where mine won't go
so i looked in again wondering
and there was a man swallowed in the star
standing in the silver center
laughing

the noise came out reverberated
through every shattered tip of the shining star
and still he laughed

he had broached fate's sharp center
and it was empty but for him

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Good morning

sometimes i wonder how you dream
if you dream at all
i see scrolling 
behind your smoothly closed eyes
line after line of clearly defined
phrases (not like music
with its crescendoes and woven thoughts
that tangle around each other
like wildflowers until you are overcome
and submerge yourself in the liquid colour
pouring through your ears into
your sweet tasting mouth)
up and up these crisp sharp commands
like a to do list with small boxes
(like the box you place me in
with its appropriate corners
and its inflexible walls to hold up that glass ceiling
the one i keep banging my wings on)
for you to check through
with your pen that you use like a sword
its sharp edge that punctures these
my faerie tales
and then you awake and continue on
as if you never slept
but only plugged yourself into a wall
and decided to move when charged

i wonder sometimes if you dream
at all of me

Monday, February 9, 2009

Modern Medicine

the dark smudges of chocolate
are filling in my fingerprints
and suddenly i am adrift
without an identity to hold me down
i am one of the thousands
taking this solution
to the bitterness of life
because as long as i can coat
this raw throat with this sticky sweet
i won't have the time to scream
won't need the strength to say
i'm done.

so instead i'll swallow another square
and pretend that all i need is there
i and the thousand other girls
taking cocoa like codeine 

brother gone.

i wonder what it is about those old photographs
maybe the fact that they were so still
so silent waiting for the flash
that still smelt of sulfur
and of something slightly more potent
than should invade this sensible sphere
the way they stare
we still don't dare yet 
to thrust our whole face straight into the lens
but there they sit stiff spined
with the story plain on their faces
and they scare me
their eyes shove up against my mind
probing searching to see
if i have something that makes that stillness
worth surviving
if i can stand staring into the future
unafraid

that is how i see you in my mind
stuck in sepia

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Fallout

these calcium sticks of mine
rattle against each other
within my warm series of cords
that tie them together in wet red
and i don't know how to explain it
how to get these vibrations to coordinate
when they're all running screaming
a dense crowd of chaos pushing against each other
rubbing each other raw and weak
and soon i will stumble
silent shaking shattered
with the small flecks of white
standing like stars against the red sky


across the room i think that...

i love watching you laugh
the way that the corners of your mouth stretch
slow like a pink balloon 
invading your smooth cheeks
and sending them swelling as if 
they are filled with something important
some mountain mine of jewels
and then your lips press together
and snap open
like a rubber band 
and suddenly its your whole head thrown back
all your small white teeth
like opals shine 
and your eyes blaze and vanish
beneath your rose brushed skin

i like to watch you laughing
so hard no words come out

For Megan, and the Sun who made everyone smile.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

whisper to me

lets get out of this town tonight
i've got enough space in my dreams for two
close your eyes and we'll run up the stairs
feel as they grow slender and smooth
and then we're away
we'll wet our feet on the straggling clouds
laugh as they splash about us
leave them as they fall to the ground
go on chasing something new
when we get tired that's alright
we'll drop down to this foreign ground
and claim it for you and me
build a house with the corners of our bodies
we'll never have to leave

lets get out of this town
its not like we call it home

Success is counted Sweetest.

i wake up grey around the edges
wondering if i had slept
at all
and the people are so loud
all around me 
i will find a soft place
and practice breathing again
in a shelter that gives way around me
till i am strong again
until the dawn calls me again
then i will follow the siren call
until then

i sleep.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Officer Depression

so go on ahead and write me up
(in adjectives and verbs with a touch of passion)
and give me a ticket
(only tell me where you are taking me)
'cause you are the man in blue
(and i've been down for days)
i don't mind if you lay down the law
(just don't expect me to pick it up)
Just don't give me that look
(they all give it to me too)
you think i'm around the bend
(I was just turning the corner)
and I can't help but smile at you sir

its been so long since i talked to anyone

sometimes the world gets lonely

lament of mar

  you don't understand
i'm still a foreigner here
a mermaid on land may live but she's the stranger
to this stumbling gait
to the wear of grit on her feet
and each step is just a little bit harder
than you would think
because the gravity grief
tugs at every corner of me
and makes each smile that much heavier
because i need to pull it up from the corners of my mouth
like strands of seaweed that used to catch
on my tail and make the ripples green
and there i knew how to move
could find my way
easily and confident
as surely as you do on these streets
with your head up high and never looking
behind though i am falling further
flailing about looking for something to hold on
failing at all that i tried
till i slide at last to this soil
that sticks to me and drags me down

i always thought the sea would cry on my bones
but it seems only the raindrops
expatriates as well
dare to grieve over me

Defiance at Dawn

and i've never known what was good for me
thats what they will say
shaking their heads with their shadows slow behind them
i never knew, never knew
i always fell for ...
well thats nothing new
anyone would
its like realizing that by changing the shape
of your sticky red lips
suddenly that desperate breathing
becomes song and something of life
and (they knew it all along)
who wouldn't want a love like that
where all the pieces were left about
and put in place and marveled at
and how you treasured that painting
the way it looked against your wall
till you left the window open and the salty wind 
came in and made sport spinning it up and around
and suddenly you saw what was there to see
oh i know you don't listen to me
thats why i write these things down
because one day i'll be right
don't worry it won't last 
i know that they will always win
with their monotone of 'i told you so'
but i'm going to hit this chord one day
and you will understand for a moment or too
       why i did it anyway

i never knew what was good for me
was always bad at the pros and cons
thats why i traded my home for the sea
and my heart for a song

you took them both
and walked away.

one day i'll come back. and claim the key
love was never good to me.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Construction Bystander.

have you ever seen them 
deconstruct a house?
first they take out the soft things
the sofas and beds
the carpet and curtains
then they strip it of colour
peel off the paper
blast the paint away
Boarding up the windows is next
when they batter pine against the walls
in criss-cross patterns
and then they let the second floor settle
in a cloud of dust into the first
all at the touch of the detonate
and then we walk away

i watched your face 
the lips go hard
the cheeks pale
eyes close
and then collapse
when you heard the news

i hated him for walking away.